i can't hate you

I never hated you for not loving me, but i hated you for making me fall even more when i'm trying to let you go

how many times should i realize with what i did ?

how many times should i remind myself ?

how many times should i think ?

how many times should i pretend to smile ?

how many times should i try not to scream or cry ?

how many times should i choose ?

how many times should i change my mind ?

why do i never try to choose one and stick with it ?

i can't hate someone because of it. i just hate myself. who never stick with one thing. change everything in one second, change my mind. i can't even think how difficult it is. promise ? i broke it. i always broke it. what ?! what should i do ?!

everything back to zero, as i changed my mind. but i know that i should not to think like this, but how ? it is happening. it is. something that i don't want to feel it anymore, but it never over. it was over, but it came back. i found the end, but i went through to another pages of my life. what the hell did i do ?

it is not me. yeah... i changed ! i can't ! i always changed my mind, and did not think what gonna happen afterwards. i felt down, i stood up. i woke up, but i thought i was still dreaming. i hate to know that maybe i should not be alive.

i have no idea what i did.

i have no idea what i thought.

i have no idea what i felt.

if i can let it go as easy as i open my palms, i will do it. but it is like try to break the wall with you bare hand. no weapons. no strength.

the thing i can do is... try to not cry, scream or sad.

all i need to do is... hypnotize myself to forget everything.